Stop trying to win at life

I used to think that I was a very capable person. I was the type who could overcome obstacles with ease.

But there came a period where life decided to test that theory.

I hit the lowest point of my life at 23. It hurts more because it happened right after I had reached the highest point. I faced a series of consecutive failures that would have beaten down even the strongest of people.

On paper, I was winning. I had a high GPA in Poly, an exclusive opportunity to obtain a flying license for free, and a stable relationship. In fact, I learned to fly a plane before I even learned to drive a car.

But it all came tumbling down in National Service.

I signed on as a Regular but eventually dropped out of flight school. It was a controversial decision, a sacrifice I made for a loved one at the time. My family didn't support it. To them, I was wasting my life again. They threw the phrase "三分钟热度" (three-minute passion) at me. They couldn't comprehend why I would voluntarily give up a golden rice bowl that people spend their entire lifetimes trying to achieve.

I went back to OCS as a cadet: unfit, unmotivated, and stripped of my status.

I suffered a heat injury. I struggled physically. By the time I got to Pro Term, I was hated by almost everyone. The isolation was suffocating. I recall a story a close friend shared with me later, which still stings to think about:

A Regular actually pulled a bunch of officers aside to apologize to them for putting me in their team post-commissioning. He saw working with me as an undeserving punishment for them.

I ORD-ed and made another terrifying choice: I changed my course of study from Aerospace Engineering to Information Systems. It was completely unrelated. I was starting from ground zero again. I had no scholarship, no relevant background, and no head start. I fell out with my family again. I broke myself trying to sacrifice my own needs to make others happy. I was tearing myself apart to serve everyone else, hoping it would validate my existence.

That is what it feels like to be truly at the bottom.

Now that I have climbed out of that hole, people have started to look up to me again.

But here is the strange part: I felt nothing.

I feel nothing from the achievements.

I feel nothing from the praise.

After going through these struggles, I realized that my suffering wasn't caused by the setbacks in my life or the lack of validation from others.

My suffering was caused by tagging my self-worth to my ability to provide.

I thought I only mattered if I was useful, successful, or "winning."

I have stopped trying to impress. I have stopped seeking recognition from family and friends. I finally decided that being myself should be good enough for them, and good enough for me.

I became more forgiving to myself. I worry less about "doing well" and worry more about growing and learning. I have found joy in the struggle again, not because it leads to an award, but because it leads to growth.

As more people start asking me for advice on how to get ahead, I just want to share the most important lesson I’ve learned:

Stop trying to win at life.

Stop looking outwards. Start looking inwards. Be a better version of yourself, for yourself. Motivation shouldn't be extrinsic. Motivation should be intrinsic. By doing right by yourself, you'll eventually "win" in life.